All the news unfit to print

THE ELECTION campaign – the official one that is – at the local levels has barely started and already a group of newsmen and editors, not to mention political pundits, already consigned a number of candidates to definitively destined defeat.

Which gave rise to some imaginative – verily imaginary too – writings of all the news about the election outcome that you – in all probability – would not see in print.

Here’s a rundown:

Guiao beats Blueboy

He was ridiculed in the campaign hustings as one “Paciencia Paras-Yabut” for his penchant to either ask the patience and understanding of supplicants for his assistance as he could not give them anything or promise he would bring their needs to the attention of the governor.

But Vice Gov. Joseller “Yeng” Guiao had the last laugh, beating comebacking Francis “Blueboy” Nepomuceno in his own bailiwick of Angeles City and burying him in an avalanche of votes in Mabalacat City and Magalang town.

With his victory, Guiao said he would resign his coaching job in the Philippine Basketball Association and concentrate legislating on anger management.

This, even as the neophyte congressman vowed to double his efforts in bringing the needs of his first district constituents to the attention of the governor.#

At last, at last, at long last

Boking’s hold on mayorship ends

The long, long, long, looong term of Marino “Boking” Morales as mayor of Mabalacat town starting in 1995 all the way to Mabalacat City in 2012 came to an abrupt end on May 13, 2013.

Writing finis to the once bruited about lifetime hold of Morales on the mayorship is Noli Castro, Jr., official candidate of the Laban ng Demokratikong Pilipino (LDP).

Castro’s candidacy was initially questioned, with the other contender for the mayoralty post, Vice Mayor Noel Castro, petitioning the Commission on Elections to be declared his namesake a nuisance candidate.

With the poll results, Castro – the winner Noli, that is – proved it was the petitioner, erstwhile vice mayor Castro who got less than five percent of the votes cast, that really deserved to have been declared the nuisance candidate.

Castro said he “would not do a Boking” as he disowned any ambition for even one  re-election.

“In just one term, I can turn Mabalacat not only into the Makati of the north but the Las Vegas of the east,” he said.#

Dabu drubs GMA            

The once putative provincial administrator is now a full-fledged congresswoman – and how!

Atty. Vivian Dabu rode on the wings of the PNoy phenomenon and the well-oiled machinery of the Liberal Party in Pampanga to beat – by the proverbial mile – the infirm and hospital-arrested former President and re-electionist Congresswoman Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Dabu won in all six municipalities comprising the second district, thrashing the once most powerful woman in the country even in her own precinct in Lubao.

Meanwhile, with her victory, reports said the Inquirer is at this early considering her to be its “Filipino of the Year.”

“A most fitting tribute,” said a Dabu supporter who asked that he not be identified for lack of authority to speak. “Pareho na sila ni Among.”

Dabu’s superior during her stint at the Capitol, Gov. Eddie T. Panlilio, was also hailed “Filipino of the Year” after his election in 2007.#

Delta loses to ‘unknown’

Defying all projections and all survey results, unheralded Atty. Maria Amalia Tiglao-Cayanan deprived three-time Lubao mayor Dennis “Delta” Pineda of the vice-governorship.

Tiglao-Cayanan put to good use her “Binibining Pilipinas” charm and her “innate intelligence” in convincing the Kapampangan electorate that she was the better choice for vice governor. This, according to seasoned political observers.

In her victory speech, Tiglao-Cayanan said she would reinstate the Biyaya a Luluguran at Sisikapan (BALAS) to administer and supervise the quarry operations, promising that she would even double “in one term” the P700 million collections achieved by the Pineda administration.# 

   

Panlilio retakes Capitol

Suspended priest Eddie “Among Ed” Panlilio won over incumbent Gov. Lilia “Nanay Baby” Pineda in this their third fight for the Pampanga governorship.

“A miracle in the scope of the parting of the Red Sea by Moses if not in the scale of the resurrection of the Christ Himself,” a member of Panlilio’s Kapampangan Manalakaran support group said of Panlilio’s second coming at the Capitol.

Shrieks of “Hallelujahs!” accompanied the governor-again at his proclamation.

Panlilio was not given the least chance of winning the governorship by political observers and pollster due to his “very, very poor showing in the surveys.”

He himself was at one time quoted by a Liberal Party mayoralty bet as likening his chances at winning to an elephant passing through the eye of the needle, and even unsure if the needle had an eye.

“It’s a miracle!” so Panlilio’s followers chorused.

“No, it’s PNoy,” someone who looked like Local Government Secretary Mar Roxas said.#

(Editor’s Note:  You read it all here first. You won’t ever read it again, anywhere else. Lap it up, for whatever it’s worth.)